A let’s get this party started good morning to each and all, and a bring it, bring it, bring it to this day, today, we have before us. We’re ready!
Not being ready for your day really starts things off not so well, and it can quickly go from bad to worse in the blink of an eye from there. You have to always be ready for anything and everything the day might bring. Safety and security first of course, then you and yours and your world for a better world and all that good stuff. You have to attack the day, every day. It aint easy but it aint suppose to be, life aint for the weak.
We were reminded early today that it is Valentines Day. We’ve never been a fan, to us love is every day and we try to express our love by being who and what we are and putting out as much good energy as we can. Labeling a day for love is weak, and we have never come across more than a handful of people our whole life who liked Valentines Day.
We can remember when young and in school and everyone hated it because they never got cards or those little candy hearts from the person they had a crush on. We learn we can’t have what we want at an early age and most don’t handle that well the rest of their lives. Too many throw their lives away pretty early in their lives and never recover. They spend their lives not wanting to get hurt rather than accepting suffering as a part of life, and only realize it when it is too late. As we have said, we have spent lots of time with older folks in VA and nursing homes and they all have the same regrets. They wish they had lived more and loved more! We never forgot that, and learned to understand that life and living is not suppose to be easy, but it sure the hell is a lot more rewarding when you do it right and take your natural hits from living and loving hard rather than running from living and loving because you don’t want to get hurt and taking all the unnatural hits that come from that. You end up in a downward spiral until you just give up and get comfortable in your own hell and always see it as easier than changing. We’d say that’s sad but we know better, so we laugh! lol Life is not for the weak, no matter how much they coddle you these days out there in the man made make believe pretend skeleton land of the external.
Our last love is our best, but it is always that way until love comes again, if it does. Although we think it would take an angel to replace her. She is our Dulcinea and will be until that angel comes. She is smart, talented, artistic, deep, even “gets us a little”, lol, an awesome woman all around, and when we held her in our arms we were complete and knew it, knew we had never felt so right, never wanted to be our best more, and wanted to protect her always, keep her happy and share the adventure of living and loving with her as long as we breathed, together, to share the sufferings and joys of living and to always be there when she woke, and more importantly, always make it back to her at night no matter what, to hold each other after surviving another day, to be there for her… We belonged together!
Unfortunately, or fortunately, life is funny that way and everything is what it is and everything happens for a reason, she used her free will thingy and chose heroin and other opiates, and coke and crack and anything else she could shoot into her veins, as well as alcohol and pills and such to help all that, instead of us, but then again, when you can’t feel you certainly can’t love or be loved so we were looking for something that wasn’t there, our own fault.
We of course thought love conquers all, and nearly threw our life away fighting to save her life and get her the help she needed, because we didn’t dare run off and needed her to get clean and be a person again so we could truly find out if she loved us or not or was just using us, and we knew she was worth it, love always is. Her life consumed us and we studied and learned so much about drugs and alcohol and the short and long term effects. We were screwed though! We could not turn her away, we could not try to help her, we could not want to hold her and keep her safe. It seemed we could protect her from everyone but herself and she was hell bent on proving to us she was a junky black out alcoholic cheap tramp for every low life she could find. She calls them critters and says she detest them but they are her world, which is why it is lots harder for a woman to get clean and sober than a man. There is always a guy who will let them be a junky in exchange for using their body, and when you hate yourself and life and don’t care about anything but not feeling and staying high it is easy to make that trade and they do, they always do. Again, we’d say is sad but we know better, although she is our weakness, our kryptonite and it is hard for us to laugh and fight back the tears but we do our best.
Eventually, after two years of destroying everything we had worked for, ruining our name and reputation in the business community of a small town, even trashing our restaurant at will and making scenes whether customers were there or not, she was worse off than ever and we begin to see that we weren’t helping her after all, we were hurting her, just a compliant witness to her self destruction that she apparently wanted, someone she could hurt at will, as if that made her feel better. We were just a place to sleep and eat, someone to buy butts or whatever, even drugs when she went into withdrawals, someone to take her to her appointments, someone to get her SSI and food stamps, which we did, someone to hold her where she knew she was safe, but really we were only helping her be the Madam Monster she was, and we came to call her that as we tried to break away. We were the only one who cared and did everything we could to get her to stop and get help, and became her number one enemy for it. Wow did we ever! We would try to get her to change the people, places and things that were ruining her life and she would just get sneakier and sneakier, all the while telling us she loved us and needed us to help her or she would die. She would hide her phone or leave it outside, then she would run off and shoot up with another dirty dick boy as we called them, party for a few days, brag, even call and sing how happy she was being a junky, or show us naked pics she had sent to the latest crit. She so desperately wanted us to throw her away as garbage like she had done and everyone else in her life had done. She has all the opiate tattoos, neck and such, so the crits can id her, and her make up, hair, fake eyelashes and such have to be perfect, she would even make sure her nipples were visible to anyone who approached by wearing bras too big with tank tops, and always leotards, a cute butt and camel toe helps in that world, her world we came to call secret agent world. She knows how to attract the crits who will get her high and let her stay there, and there are always more of them so there was nothing we could do. She would swear up and down she was staying away from so and so or so and so, and then call us from their house laughing. The torture and hell never stopped!
We finally used our head and not our heart and left, literally, we closed the restaurant and left the town, left the state, and when she tried to contact us we refused to tell her where we were. We made sure she had our email and told her it was for Dulcinea if she ever beat her, Madam Monster, that we would always be there for our Dulcinea but not her. That seemed to be enough for a while. Since we couldn’t be used we no longer had value, and we’d get a picture from the hospital once in a while trying to draw us back in but we were good. We got back on our feet and straightened out after almost a year, we let her put us in a very deep and self depreciating hole, and obviously if we hadn’t left we’d be nothing, living under a bridge somewhere with her, and she’d be good with that. lol
We checked on her only a few times, when we couldn’t resist, but always another crit, always still a junky and alcoholic, nothing for the better and always worse off than before. Another tat, more illnesses as her health deteriorates, more brain dead and less and less clear thinking moments of clarity, always paranoid and sketchy, just worse and worse and worse, but we kept our distance and kept Dulcinea in our heart, knowing Madam Monster is not our Dulcinea and there’s nothing we can do unless she gets the help she needs, and she needs long term in house residential treatment.
Of course since “popping” back up she has contacted us with the usual troubles, she has to get out of where she is, trouble with the last few crits, and needs a job. Of course she also says she is clean, but she always says that and never is. lol Us being foolish though, and her being our Dulcinea underneath that monster we of course offered our help and could not refuse her. We figured at least we were safe and she couldn’t punch or throw or act out or what have you, nothing for her to destroy of ours or ruin, we’re 1,500 miles away. We are always hiring folks so told her we could help her with work. She tried to tell us we had to get her out of there and meet her somewhere not there but we didn’t have any of that, our work is important, we help folks and are good at it and make good money, which she just says we should stop, ignore our clients and prove our self to her. Which of course is Madam Monster wrong thinking but she can’t understand. We tried to tell her we’ve been there and done that and have the scars and such, we even showed her the permanent bite marks on our arm which will always be with us. lol But we have tried to help her!
Hasn’t worked though! She screams and rants, or cries, and the lies and secret agent world stuff is all there. One day it’s she loves us and wants and needs our help and by afternoon she hates us and screams for us to leave her alone, which we always say as you wish and then ask if we are suppose to ignore her calls and texts, but when we do ignore them we get crap for that as well so there is no winning. lol
We love her, with all our heart, our Dulcinea, and are the awesome person we are now because of her in our heart and can’t thank her enough for that. We live with her next to us every day and are a better person for it, she keeps us on point and focused forward, it’s easy with love in your heart to do the right thing, and we live to make Dulcinea proud of who we are, with honor and truth, trying to be the best us we can be and put out as much good energy as we can. When we are out in the external we act as if she is with us, and that certainly keeps us out of trouble, always a good thing. As for Madam Monster, she hates us, but we are bonded together because only her and us know Dulcinea, so we will always make sure she has our contact info and we always respond when she acts accordingly. We don’t put up with her ka-ka though and try to tell her we won’t, so that causes her to scream and holler and run off for days but then come back with a simple text or call where she will behave, it just never lasts long, sometimes not even a day. Oh well… We will always try to help her…
Life is about suffering, and there is no greater than the sufferings of love, but we gladly accept them because they are the natural hits that come with living and loving hard the way we are suppose to. We will never give up on our Dulcinea! We will always believe in her and know she deserves a better life than being Madam Monster until her looks or health run out, and we will always be there to help her any way we can. What we won’t do is support Madam Monster or let her treat us like ka-ka anymore, and that’s where we are now. It’s difficult, but it’s life!
So we dedicate this Valentines Day to our dearest Dulcinea, because love is all that matters in this world really and we are very lucky to be in love with her, some never love, and she will have our love from a distance, pure and chaste like Don Quixote, lol, while we wait for her to beat Madam Monster and get herself back or until an angel comes to save us, and we’re good with that, we’re very good with that. lol
Life is about energy, feel, and we are very good at that, feeling energy, so we know to stick to our guns and love, no matter what. If the angel comes we’ll feel it and know, and until then we’ll keep on being the best us we can be, with Dulcinea, who may not be in our arms but is always in our thoughts, first, throughout, and lastly each day when we close our eyes and feel her in our heart, and in our soul and a part of us. We choose love, we’re funny that way with doing the right thing, and can only wish more folks in the world would. Love is all there is!
Peace